


This Love is Strong Why Do I Feel Weak

by etoilesdeglace



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M, FitzSimmons Secret Santa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-02
Updated: 2016-01-07
Packaged: 2018-05-11 01:52:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5609388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/etoilesdeglace/pseuds/etoilesdeglace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It wasn’t perfect, but it was progress and that was enough for her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ifwehadamonkey](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ifwehadamonkey/gifts).



> For Josie (ifwehadamonkey) as part of the Fitzsimmons Network Secret Santa Exchange. Her prompt was: Fitzsimmons take a trip to a cabin, complete with a roaring fire, in an appropriately snowy place to get away and work on their relationship.
> 
> Hope you like it!
> 
> Title comes from "How Will I Know" Sam Smith's cover of Whitney Houston

_Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump._

The rhythm beat at a constant pace. It was the most reassuring lullaby.

Her need for it had started the night that he came back to her. Fitz spent the entire flight en route to the Playground taking care of her, assessing her injuries and holding her as she broke down. It should’ve been the other way around, he was the one who’d just returned from hell. All she’d endured was Hydra.

Despite knowing this discrepancy, she let him do his thing, knowing that it was exactly what he needed to do for his own well-being. She’d seen his face when he was led into the chamber the day before, eyes scouring her body for any visible signs of mistreatment. She’d noticed the way he froze in her arms as the hand that rubbed circles on her back accidentally pressed on a fresh wound and caused her breath to hitch.

So she let him hold her, let him examine the damage. But she didn’t let him in.

The look he’d given her during his confession still haunted her, knowing that he was willing to risk everything for her. Everything that he was - everything she loved about him. For her, he was willing to face not only Ward but an inhuman literally called _Death_ that they both knew could destroy the planet. Learning that Will had done the same was like a punch to the stomach, the pain tearing through her like a flame trying to burn her up from the inside. Another life on her hands, added to the ever-growing list of people she wasn’t able to save.

They landed at the Playground and everyone was immediately taken for medical examinations. She found herself missing the pressure of his fingers as they traced her skin through her shirt. Missed the in and out of his breathing stimulating the hairs on her skin, reminding her to keep breathing as well. She missed the visual and physical confirmation of his presence, his safety.

She searched him out the minute her tests were done, her now sterilized and bandaged wounds making anything more than a brisk walk rather uncomfortable. When she found him in the containment room she was struck by how peaceful he looked, the coat of grime reminiscent of his journey contrasting the stark white of the room around him. Without giving her mind the chance to think about it, she made her way to the bed and, as painlessly as possible, lowered herself down beside him. Fitz had always been a deep sleeper so she wasn't surprised when he didn't stir upon her arrival. Although, just to be sure, she lowered her head to his chest, pressing her ear over his heart and settling the rest of her body onto the bed as well in order to prevent aggravating one of her wounds.

She woke up the next morning with a multitude of blankets draped over her body and a text from Daisy:

_“You guys are cute.”_

“Sleep okay?”

Jemma froze with her phone in hand. For a moment she'd forgotten who she was using as a pillow, suddenly she was very warm and not at all in need of the blankets. Instead of answering she nodded and slowly sat up. Facing him over her shoulder she met his still-tired gaze.”Yes. You?”

“Yeah. Didn’t realize how much sleep I missed, out like a light.”

Simmons chuckled and extracted herself from the blankets. “Well I’ll leave you to it then. Sorry for. Yeah. You know where to find me.” She was gone before he could ask her to stay.

Every night for a week Jemma was haunted by nightmares, each one worse than the last. But it wasn't until she failed to save Fitz from the ocean that she awoke in tears and immediately reached for her phone. He showed up less than five minutes later and she didn't have to say anything before he was climbing into her bed with her and pulling her close. Her tears soaked into his pajama shirt and she focused on syncing her heartbeat with his.

He was alive, oxygen was being pumped through his circulatory system, feeding into every one of his cells. He was here, he came back to her.

That was the night that she realized how badly she needed his heartbeat. A sense of protection and comfort that made the dreams less scary and the weight of her guilt less heavy.

On the nights where it was too much to take, she’d text him or wander over to his bunk. Without hesitation he was always there for her. It was exactly what she needed. Her heartbeat needed his heartbeat and his heartbeat felt like home.

~{}~

“Simmons can I talk to you for a minute?” Daisy found her in the break room in the process of making lunch.

“Of course go ahead.” Simmons plugged in the kettle and spun to face her friend who’d taken a seat and was picking away at one of the pieces of prosciutto Jemma had prepared for a sandwich.

“So I was thinking that it would be nice if you and Fitz did something together for the holidays.”

“What do you mean? Fitz and I always spend time together over the holidays. I mean between both of our families it gets rough sometimes but we usually make some sort of arrangement so that we can see everyone.”

“Yeah. About that.” Daisy started and rubbed the back of her neck meekly. “After everything that's gone on recently, Coulson wants to keep everyone on base, keep an eye on people you know.”

“Right.” Simmons nodded, trying not to let her disappointment show. It was enough to say that it had been a long time since she’d seen her family in person. “ I guess that makes sense”

“Which is why I’m suggesting that you two take a trip to the safe house.”

“The safe house?”

“Yeah. A cabin in the woods, alone…” Daisy seemed far too enthusiastic about her own idea.

“I really don’t think…”

“Fitz said that it was up to you.” When Jemma stopped protesting, Daisy continued, “Jemma. Really, it would be good for you to get away from the lab and the chaos, take a break. Gosh knows you deserve it.”

Simmons nodded slowly and began to assemble the sandwich she’d laid out for lunch. “I’ll think about it.”

“I’ve cleared it with Coulson already so just let me know what you decide okay?”

“Will do.” Simmons nodded and tried to hold back the beginning of tears that were starting to glaze her vision, touched that Daisy had put in the effort for her sake. Daisy smiled slightly and turned to leave. She was almost out the door when Simmons realized that she hadn’t thanked her friend for her suggestion. “Thank you.”

Daisy turned in the doorframe, giving her trademark smile and smirk combination. “Anytime.” She moved to go but popped her head back around the doorframe. “But you have to be back for New Years because we’re having a party and everyone is going to be there.”

Simmons smiled and promised that she would be at the party no matter what she did for the holidays. That was enough confirmation for Daisy who was then called into weight room by Bobbi and Simmons was left to her own devices once more.

All on her lonesome, Jemma continued to assemble her lunch. The idea of a week away was more than slightly tempting. And going alone with Ftz was even more so.

They had a lot to figure out, both individually and as partners, too many demons standing in their way. But why couldn't they tackle a few of the big ones together? In a safe and secure environment without the added pressure of overseeing the lab and their techs on the multitude of projects they were running simultaneously. Could they even afford to take a week off? Both of them. What if they were needed? What if something went wrong? Then again, Daisy said that Coulson had cleared the trip, meaning that he was expecting it to be a slower week, nothing that the techs and Lincoln under Bobbi’s leadership couldn't handle. And they’d still be on SHIELD property and able to assist in an emergency remotely if necessary.

She wouldn't quite rule out the possibility yet.

~{}~

Less than a week later, Bobbi was dropping them off at the safe-house with a week’s worth of clothing and toiletries, and two weeks worth of food (Fitz said that it might not be enough but then Jemma pointed out that she was bringing lots of baking supplies and he stopped complaining).

With quick hugs goodbye and a Merry Christmas Bobbi was gone, leaving the pair to make themselves comfortable in the quaint cottage on the lake. Without much talking, they moved in sync, flowing around each other in the tight confines of the kitchen to put away groceries. Leaving Fitz in the kitchen since he’d volunteered to make some eggnog, Jemma unpacked her clothes into the bottom two drawers of the dresser in the bedroom. Quickly changing into her pajamas, she proceeded to set up their miniature Christmas tree near the fireplace in the living room (discretely arranging the present she’d gotten him underneath its branches), while Fitz used the bedroom to unpack and get changed.

Cuddling up with her eggnog and _The Martian_ in front of the fireplace, Jemma was so caught up in the book that she didn’t notice Fitz until he was sitting right beside her and reading over her shoulder, carrying his own eggnog in one hand and a small gift wrapped box in the other.

“Has he turned the Hab into a bomb yet?”

“Yeah, he just realized.” She replied without looking up from the page.

“Nice. Good place to stop for now?”

“Um yeah sure.” Bending the corner of the page she placed the book on the coffee table and gave Fitz her undivided attention.

“Merry Christmas Jemma.” He extended the hand with the present out to her, which she took from him carefully, placing her eggnog on the table next to her book.

Pulling off the paper she revealed a small jewelery box and shot Fitz, who was hiding behind the rim of his glass, a look. They’d set a $20 limit for any type of present when they were back at school and had always stuck by it. Although based on the box she was holding she was fairly sure that he’d gone overboard.“Fitz. Did you-”

“No. No I made this one.” He appeared from behind his glass briefly to answer her but averted his gaze when she started to process what that meant. Jemma could feel a spark of warmth in her heart that she hadn’t felt in a long time and tried desperately to hold back the tears that were starting to blur her vision. She hadn’t even opened the box yet.

When she did, she couldn’t help but let loose a few of those tears.

He’d crafted her a necklace, almost identical to the one she’d worn since she’d met him, up until she’d lost it on Maveth.

Leaning over her crossed legs she wrapped her arms around his shoulders briefly. “Thank you. I love it.”

Simmons pulled back and noticed the blush that was spreading across his cheeks. It was very cute and she could feel the spark of warmth catch fire for a moment when he met her gaze.

The fire across the room crackled, startling her out of her reverie. She blinked twice then got up to retrieve Fitz’s present from underneath the tree. “Now my gift seems silly but here you go.”

“I’m sure it’s not silly.” He reassured before tugging at the tissue paper and pulling a Rubik's cube out of the bag. She was reassured that she’d picked a good gift when he enveloped her for another hug before running to get an Exacto knife to open the packaging. She chuckled at his antics, thinking back to the Academy when he’d always have a Rubik’s cube in his backpack as a mean of entertaining himself when a lecture was too slow or when he needed something to do with his hands. She’d noticed since she got back that he was always wringing his hands so she figured that he needed something to tinker with.

Apparently she’d been spot on. Looking down at the necklace in her hand, she reached up to secure it around her neck. She smiled at Fitz from across the room, letting the weight of his gift rest against the hollow of her neck. He’d been pretty spot on too.

~{}~

When Simmons woke up entwined with Fitz in the morning, a sense of peace overcame her. Her head resting on his forearm seemed so natural. Their tangled legs felt so right. Her hand over his heart, identifying the drum of his pulse, seemed like it belonged there. His breath on her face laced with the faint smell of peppermint indicated that he’d indulged in one of the candy canes she’d decorated the tree with before going to bed.

They’d gone to sleep individually the night before, sharing a bed and nothing more. Not that she’d been expecting anything more, but she was more than content to wake up with Fitz at her side - despite the fact that she’d slept peacefully.

Slipping out from under the covers, Jemma wandered out into the kitchen to start preparing breakfast. The sun hadn’t risen yet so she set herself up to make the fruit salad from a location where she could see out the window towards the east. The first traces of dawn were starting to lace the sky with faint colour when Fitz wandered out of the bedroom and took up residence at the table. Without saying anything she placed his already sugared tea and breakfast plate in front of him. Immediately getting her own meal and settling down beside him, always maintaining a view out the window.

Fitz seemed to comprehend her need to see the sunrise, his time spent on the alien planet probably contributing to his understanding. They sat in silence as the sun rose from across the lake, reflecting on the still water to create an image that Jemma was sure could’ve been straight from a painting.

Finishing his plate of food and standing to get some more, Fitz kept his eyes on her as he moved about in her peripheral vision.

“It really is beautiful.”

She nodded and sipped her tea, hoping the newly unveiled sunlight would conceal the blush she could feel starting to form on her cheeks.

~{}~

It became their daily routine. She’d wake up early and make breakfast for three, he’d join her and they’d eat in peace, with Fitz consuming his assigned double servings, watching the sunrise. At some point they’d make lunch, and Fitz would make dinner. Besides that their days were open books, each day a new slate to cover with confessions and conversations, with looks and learnings, with triumphs and tears.

Without the added pressure of the lab, and the constant presence of others, Jemma found that it was very easy to talk to Fitz. Kind of like how they’d been before the pod, before Hydra, before Will and before the planet. There will still touchy topics, accusations assigned and misunderstood messages.

It wasn’t perfect, but it was progress and that was enough for her.

But then he’d stutter or she’d be overcome with guilt and the easy ebb and flow of conversation would halt in it’s tracks. The storm of reality would sweep through the land they were trying to rebuild, unveiling more issues and breaking down the progress they’d already made.

Initially, it was difficult to keep going, to work together to regroup and start again but, as with most things, they eventually found their rhythm again.

The first time was when she reacted harshly to the buzz of the microwave timer and escaped into the bedroom. Curling up with a book under the covers, she’d left him to wonder what it was that he’d done wrong all afternoon. When Fitz knocked on the door a few hours later with a warm cup of tea, she’d pretended to be asleep. He came in and left the tea on her bedside table, brushed the loose strands of hair covering her eyes behind her ear and relocated to the couch for the night. She’d felt her heart swell at his gentle touch and fell asleep with a smile gracing the corners of her lips.

The second, she’d baked four dozen cookies while he sat in the armchair mindlessly solving his new Rubik’s cube over and over again. That was after she’d revealed why she left for Hydra and watched the way Fitz had processed the information, the depths of his eyes telling her so much but never enough. Jemma watched as he flickered through comprehension, hurt, anger, sadness, compassion, guilt and something else that she couldn’t quite place, which was odd after knowing him for such a long time. Pulling the last batch out of the oven, she’d turned around to find him face-full with a cookie off of the first batch and she was obliged to smile, the innocence of the moment making her forget their latest conversation momentarily. But then he’d met her gaze and swallowed, sobering her mood immediately with the intensity of his attention.

“I get it. I would’ve done the same in your place. I’m sorry for being so horrible when you came back. Just, don’t do it again okay? Call me selfish but I couldn’t handle it.”

Within moments she had her arms wrapped around his shoulders, stretching up on her toes and leaning on him for support. His hands rubbed soothing circles across her back as she nodded and cried into the crook of his neck. She never wanted to be without him either and those few months had been torture, knowing that it was for his sake had been the only compensation. For him to finally understand, it was a large burden lightened from her shoulders that she hadn’t even recognized she’d been carrying since she left him.

The next time Fitz stuttered and struggled to find the words he was looking for, she’d simply reached over and took his hand. Extracting the hot chocolate that he’d been holding on to with a vice grip, she’d rested their joined hands on his lap, rubbing soft circles over his skin with her thumb and given him the time to figure it out. Simmons noted that the moment was rather peaceful (almost romantic with the roar of the fire the only sound piercing the silence between them), until he starts to ramble again - clearly having found the words he was looking for. They smile at each other and it’s a big step forward.

Over the course of the next dew days they covered every topic that had ever been an issue for them, even going as far back as their Academy days. They talked about Fitz’s momentary crush on Daisy and Simmons’ momentary crush on Ward. They talked about Inhumans and Chitauri viruses. They talked about cat livers and the Boiler Room bartender that had had a thing for Jemma. They talked about their decision to go into the field and the time when Fitz’s girlfriend had broken up with him because she thought that he had a thing for Jemma.

They also talked about the future and the projects they were currently working on. Possible enhancements for the droids were sketched out and the idea of installing a holoboard in the new lab as a means of connecting their two lab benches. They talked about scheduled weekly tea-time simply to talk and refocus, for both their sakes.

They both subconsciously made the decision to not talk about the pod incident.

They both purposely avoided talking about Maveth.


	2. Chapter 2

The night of their fourth day at the cottage, Jemma suggested a movie over dinner and Fitz selected Titanic while she was making their evening teas. The pair snuggled up on the couch, Fitz at one end and Jemma at the other, feet propped up on his lap, trying to pay attention to one of her favourite movies of all time.

There was something nagging her but she wasn’t able to place it until Rose climbed over the back of the ship and Jack promised to go in after her should she jump. Reaching over to grab the remote from Fitz, Jemma paused the movie and caught Fitz’s attention by placing herself right next to him on the couch, one leg tucked up beneath her and the other planted firmly on the ground in an attempt to draw some strength from the sturdiness of the wooden floors (it didn’t work).

“Fitz, I need you to stop putting yourself in deathly situations for me.”

“Jemma.” He took a deep breath and looked away, clearly dreading this conversation as much as she had. “It’s not that I don’t think that you can handle yourself, I know you can. You’ve proved it on multiple occasions. But I.” Getting choked up over his own words and train of thought Fitz was forced to pause. He bowed his head but not before she identified that the sparkle in his eyes was heightened due to the beginnings of tears forming. “You don’t understand.”

That was not exactly the response she’d been expecting. In fact it made her almost mad,  _ she didn’t understand! _

“I don’t understand the thought of life without you?” He shook his head in the negative, bringing his hands up to cradle his forehead with his elbows resting on his knees. “FItz I lived it. I hated it. I cried more nights than not and I was -”

She was struck into silence by the intensity of Fitz’s gaze when it met hers, the usual brightness of his eyes masked behind a stormy gray.

“You don’t understand what it’s like to hear you scream. To - To hear you being hurt by that bastard and being unable to do anything to help because I was tied to a chair. You don’t understand hearing the most important person in the world to you, the person you would do anything for, being tortured and knowing nothing about what was going on or - or what was happening to them. You don’t understand the physical pain and mental scarring of hearing your screams and then wondering what was happening to you when you were silent. Or - or the feeling of your heart breaking, trying to scream back. You didn’t see how every time that you screamed and I flinched, how Ward would get a little smirk and a knowing look in his eyes. You don’t understand Jemma because if you did than you’d have done the same thing in my place.”

“Fitz, I-”

“And Ward knew it too. He knew I’d break. He knew that he could use you to get to me and that there was a far easier way to get me to talk than by hurting me. And he was right, because hurting you was far worse than any physical pain. But I’d do it all again to keep you safe.”

“I know. I know you would Fitz. But I’m asking you not to.”

“But Jem-”

“Leo.” The use of his first name sobered him up immediately. “You don’t see it, but when you do things like that. When you put your life on the line for me. It messes with my head in so many ways and it’s toxic. For me, for you and for others.”

Fitz looked very confused and she bowed her head, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening.

“You were in a coma. For 9 days Fitz. The 9 worst days of my life. Waiting for you to come back to me. I didn’t sleep, I barely ate. And then you woke up and at first you didn’t remember. Didn’t remember what Ward did to us, what you’d done for my sake and-” she sniffled, trying to hold back a total collapse.

Taking a deep breath, she soldiered on, “When you started to remember it was like reliving all of the pain with you.The betrayal, the hurt, I felt the emotions again with you as you pieced together your memory. Once you understood what had happened your progress plateaued and every time I was there, you were worse. You won’t agree with me but it’s true. I didn’t ask if it was because of your confession at the bottom of the ocean because I wasn’t sure if you remembered it... and I didn’t want to hurt you more. I was a poison thorn in your recovery so I left and you started making leaps and bounds and-”

“I’m not the same as I was -”

“You’re right. You’re different but you’re a good different. And in all the ways that truly matter, you’re the same. You still have a joking smile and a funny sense of humour, and an intelligent mind - that no matter what you say, is no worse than it was before, and the same, over-sized, too-loving, selfless heart. But we never really talked about it, the pod I mean. Actually, come to think about it I think that this is the first that we’ve talked about it at all despite all the topics we’ve covered in the past couple of days.”

“Maybe it’s time we do.”

“Maybe it is, and it fits into this conversation about you putting yourself in harm’s way for me. Because it happened again. Almost the same situation, just different circumstances and with much more extreme consequences. And you made the same choice, without talking to me about it first.”

“I couldn’t. They wouldn’t have let me.”

“Regardless, you helping them in order to help me flipped a switch in my head. I was single-mindedly focused on bringing you home. I didn’t stop to think about the repercussions. You going through that portal led me to helping them with their calculations to re-open it, not knowing who or what would be coming back with you, or if you’d be coming back at all. By going through the portal you made me jeopardize the fate of our planet to get you back. I didn’t care, as long as you came back to me. You said that you’re not strong enough to live in a world without me in it but you have to know that it goes both ways and that I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you for good.”

“You’d move on Jemma. You have a family and friends and a mind full of ideas that this world needs to have.”

‘What about you Fitz? What would you expect me to do without you? Not only would more than half my ideas be completely void but what about your mom? Would you want me to go explain to her why you died? Her only son? What about your friends and your mind? Or your heart and your compassion?

When he didn’t answer any of her questions she pressed forward. “Believe me when I say that the world needs more of your compassion and selflessness and brilliant ideas far more than it needs another biochemist who let loose a killer in order to save her own life.”

“No.” That seemed to shake him out of his stupor. “Don’t say things like that. Don’t think things like that.”

“But you do! That’s why you gave me the oxygen and why you jumped through the portal, twice might I add. You consciously gave up everything that you are, everything, for me. And I can’t let you do that again. You jump I jump.” She pointed at the screen with the remote that was still in her hand, Rose hanging off the back of the ship and Jack starting to remove his clothing to go in after her. “We face things together or not at all from here on out okay?”

“Was that a Doctor Who reference?”

‘Maybe. But answer the question. I need your word on this.”

“Okay. Together.”

“Good.” She hit play and settled down across the couch once more, but placing her head on his lap in place of her feet. It was only a moment before the seemingly shocked Fitz was running his hands through her hair softly, his touch a gentle reminder of his presence and his affection. She doubted he even like this movie, that he only offered to watch it because it was one of her favourites. Jemma smiled to herself despite the tears that were still threatening to spill over.

It had been a hard conversation, but one they needed to have. Progress, one step at a time.

~{}~

The conversation seemed to signal a shift in the dynamic between the two. Instead of falling asleep on opposite sides of the bed later that night they cuddled together in the middle. Fitz’s hands combed through her hair and rubbed soothing circles across her back while she laid her head on his chest and fell asleep to his heartbeat and the rise and fall of his ribcage as he took in the oxygen he needed to live.

Neither of them commented on it, just let it happen.

They woke up in the morning even more entwined than they’d been all week. When it came time for Jemma to make breakfast, she found herself inclined to stay in bed with him. Eventually her stomach won the battle and she made to move away from Fitz’s warmth, only to be pulled back in by the arm he had wrapped around her back. Wriggling around a bit she managed to break free of his grasp and was almost out of the door when she heard it, whispered like a secret from his lips.

“Don’t leave Jemma.”

Spinning around to face him, Jemma noticed that his eyes were still closed and Jemma breathed a sigh of relief. Then he rolled over into the space that she had recently vacated on the bed and snored slightly. Deducing that she’d just stirred him in his sleep and that the request was simply him mumbling in his sleep, she turned to leave and put on the kettle.

“I won’t.” She whispered back, and shut the door behind her.

The rest of the day passed in a similar fashion. Awkwardly and yet comforting at the same time. Fitz crowded into her space when they were making lunch and she found that she didn’t have to suppress a desire to step away. Instead finding comfort in the invasion of her personal space and when he stepped away to grab the juice from the fridge, she found herself disliking the space between them.

Later on, Jemma was making her way to the bedroom to grab her slippers when she ran right into Fitz’s chest as he was trying to leave out of the doorway that she was trying to enter. They froze in the frame, eyes locked and neither making a move to allow the other to pass. Eventually he coughed and the moment, if it even qualified as a moment, was broken. Jemma found herself breathing slightly heavier and had to take a minute in the bedroom to sit down on the bed for a moment and collect herself.

Fitz served dinner with accompanying candles, and all she could think about was the dinner that he’d taken her to upon her return from Maveth. How she’d broken down with guilt and grief yet felt her heart swell at Fitz’s affections at the same time.

“I found them in the cupboard, figured we should - um.” His words interrupted her train of thought.

“They’re lovely.” She smiled at him and noticed the way his shoulders relaxed and his smile reached his eyes.

It was a balancing act, pushing the limits but never going too far. Both of them were waiting for the coin to drop.

And it did late that night when Jemma woke up in a fit from a nightmare. She’d fallen asleep on Fitz’s lap while watching the Doctor Who Christmas special and woke up in tears in her eyes and with a heaviness in her heart that was beginning to spread through her veins.

Fitz’s hand that was combing through her hair paused it’s ministrations when she awoke with a startle. “Jem?”

Instead of responding she rolled over and buried her face in his side, tears that she couldn’t contain spilling over and creating a wet spot on his pajama top.

“Jemma. What’s wrong?”

“I… I…” Only capable of shaky breaths, Simmons couldn’t get enough air into her lungs to be able to string together full sentences.  “I... Dr. Gardner… I… selfish… dead… inhumans… Daisy…”

“Shhh.” Fitz ran his hands down her arms in an attempt to calm her down. “It’s okay. Let it out.”

Gathering her wits, Jemma squeezed her eyes shut in an attempt to quell the tears. Taking a deep breath, she willed herself to say what had been haunting her. ”Why can’t I get anything right? I’m just a horrible-”

“No. Jemma. No, come here.” He pulled her up to face him, cupping her face in both hands. Unknowingly dragging her onto his lap. “You are not horrible. You’re amazing. You’re flawed. You’re incredibly smart. You’ve made mistakes, we all have. But you’re so strong. So resilient and brave. You’re...” He paused, taking in the tears that had formed in her eyes, wiping away the straggler that has fallen down her cheek. “You’re amazing and you’re beautiful and I love you for it all Jemma.”

Her eyes scoured his face, taking in the vulnerability and freedom of his expression. She noted how close they were, his earlier maneuvers bringing their faces only inches apart, closer than they’d been in a long time. Not since the night he’d confronted her in the lab and she’d kissed him back.

Before she could think her actions through logically she’d closed the gap between them and attached her lips to his, seeking the comfort that they’d given her on that day, following her heart and not her mind. After a moment’s hesitation he kissed her back and every cell in her body came alive, the numbness that had been trying to consume her fading away to a heat that she hadn’t felt in a long time.

Jemma moved a leg to straddle Fitz’ lap as his hands moved across her back to pull her close. Tracing his stubble with both hands she pulled back mere millimeters, just enough so that she’d have the space to say what she needed to. Although when she did, she discovered that she couldn’t find the words to say it. Instead she settled for his name, spoken with all the emotion she could muster. It was a promise. It was all she could give to him in that moment and she hoped he understood.

Based on the way he surged forward to capture her lips once more and twisted them to gently lay her down on the couch, she assumed that he got the message.

~{}~

The rest of the trip was filled with a lot less talking and a lot more kissing.

They re-discovered a lack of personal space that used to be so common between them in almost everything they did. She’d be making breakfast and he’d come and help, never leaving her side. They’d both reach for the remote at the same time and she’d nudge him slightly before kissing him softly and stealing the remote out of his grasp. (They didn’t end up watching much TV that night).

He’d always be looking at her like she was his sun. She felt a heat course through her at his affection and yet she wasn’t sure that she was ready to take that step yet, even though she wanted to, so badly. Jemma wanted nothing more to give herself to Fitz but she was afraid of what might happen if she did. How would she react? How would he? Was she ready to show herself to him, scars and cuts and imperfections littered across her skin? Instead of thinking about the answers, she would kiss him passionately and pull his body flush against hers when they rested on the couch or tucked in under the covers for the night.

It wasn’t until their last night that she finally took the plunge.

They were lying in bed reading and Jemma was unable to stop the hairs on her arm standing on end when their arms brushed. The ghost of his touch haunting her skin and waging a war with her doubts. Drawing in a breath she snuck a glance at her best friend, who had gone back to reading the National Geographic issue he was holding on to. As if he sensed her gaze, Fitz turned his head and their eyes locked.

“You okay?”

She smiled, “Yeah.” Leaning over to kiss him she placed her book down and raised both hands up to cup his jaw, tracing the shadow of stubble that she secretly found very attractive. Fitz responded to her kiss just like he had every other time, pulling her close and worshiping every piece of her that he could reach. Breaking their embrace, Fitz pushed her back slightly so that he had the upperhand and traced his kisses down the column of her throat and across her collarbone, sucking gently on her pulsepoint, leaving what she was sure would be a mark in the morning. She didn’t care.

He whispered her name against her skin and she moans his back. Seemingly surprised by her reaction, Fitz stopped his actions and she almost whined at the loss of contact. “Jem?”

“God don’t stop.” Grabbing handfuls of his pajama top she pulled him back the short distance down to her, perhaps a bit too forcefully as he landed on her chest with a slight thump. Giggling at his shocked expression, Jemma rolled them over so that she was looking down at him, having taken the higher ground back from him. The way he was looking at her made her heart do somersaults and pretty soon he was chuckling with her.

Fitz reached up to kiss her sweetly, wrapping one hand around the back of her neck and holding her in place gently and Jemma knew in that moment that she was ready.

Feverently she kissed him back, swinging one leg over his and running her tongue along his bottom lip, asking for entrance. Following her lead, Fitz brought a shaking hand up under her shirt to trace patterns on her skin, leaving a trail of butterflies under her skin wherever she felt his touch. Feeling a heat starting to build in the pit of her stomach, Jemma found herself rubbing her core ever so slightly against his hip in an attempt to quench her newly found need.

Simmons could feel Fitz’s manhood against her thigh, slowly getting firmer underneath his pajamas.  Releasing his lips she purposely shifted so that even more of her weight was on his chest, and if the movement made his growing erection rub against her hip then that was also a benefit. The action also made Fitz’s hand slide further up under her shirt where he fiddled with the fabric. “Jemma?”

Pressing his forehead into hers, Fitz tangled his free hand in the base of her hair. Unable to respond due to the sensations coursing through her at his touch she muttered, “Hm?”

“Are you sure?” Opening her eyes, not remembering when she’d closed them, Jemma was astonished by the affection that was in his eyes as they locked on to hers. Had he always looked at her like this? All of a sudden, she was struck by the realization of how much she loved Fitz. Truly loved him, every sliver of doubt in her heart melted away by his actions, his confessions and his love for her. Blame the cosmos for their past, but in that moment, Jemma was content to be exactly where they were.

“I love you.”

That has clearly not been the response he'd been expecting. But the way that his eyes lit up made it clear to her that it was something he wanted to hear, even if only subconsciously.

“I love you too Jemma.” She knew that he did, but hearing him say it made her heart swell in her chest. The beat of her heart pounding against her ribcage. The hand that was in her hair came around to cradle her jaw and she leaned slightly into his touch. Content to live in the moment where they were finally completely open with each other. “But that was a yes or no question.”

“Yes.” That was all the confirmation that Fitz needed. With surprising swiftness he rolled them over again, trapping Jemma's waist between his knees, hands still planted on her ribcage and holding her cheek affectionately. She meant to laugh but he muffled the noise with his mouth and she was lost in him yet again.

“You’re beautiful.” Fitz shivered as she ran her cold fingers across the exposed skin above his pajama pants. In return he tugged anxiously at the hem of her shirt, clearly slightly nervous but asking the question without words. When she smiled into their kiss with a nod of her head, his other hand dropped from her cheek to slide up her torso, both hands working together to draw the shirt up and over her head, revealing the fading abstract of bruising and cuts that were littered across her abdomen.

In the heat of the moment, Jemma was surprised by how suddenly Fitz froze beneath her touch, every muscle in his back tensing up.

“Jem. Did he? Did - did Ward?” She nodded and he looked like he was ready to cry and hurt someone at the same time. It was a drastic change from the Fitz of a minute before.

“Honestly, it doesn’t hurt that bad Fitz, just... be careful.”

That seemed to help. He took a deep breath and some of the anger dissipated from his expression. “Are you-”

“Yes.” Now slightly impatient, Jemma fiddled with the hem of his shirt for a moment before he got the message and reached down to pull it over his head. No longer had the offending item been removed from his body than he was tending to each and every one of her wounds; kissing them softly and outlining them gently with his ever so precise fingers.

Jemma closed her eyes and took in the sensation, places of pain and cruelty being treated with pleasure and kindness. Fitz was working his way up her torso but was soon interrupted by the band of her bra. Without hesitation Jemma arched her back and unclipped the snap, pulling the straps off of her arms and hoping that Fitz would continue his treatment. When he paused his actions, Jemma almost whined, but Fitz returned to his gentle ascent of her body quickly after a whisper so faint that she wasn’t sure he meant to say it. “You’re beautiful.”

Waking up out of the lull that he’d put her in, Jemma discreetly reached down between them to cup his erection. When her hand reached it’s destination, Fitz involuntarily thrust into her palm and another log was added to the ever growing fire within Jemma.

“Fuck Jem.” Fitz buried his head in the junction of her neck, peppering the skin there with kisses and breathing heavily. She smirked and snuck a hand down under the elastic of his pants and gripped him fully, pumping along his length a couple of times. He sucked in a quick breath and shuddered above her as she worked. Jemma found pleasure in the way his chin would dig into her shoulder every time she flicked her wrist and filed away that piece of information for another time, cataloging what he liked. “If you keep doing that, I won’t um, I won’t-”

Jemma found herself unusually excited at the idea of getting him off, but that was an adventure for another day, perhaps the next day before Bobbi was scheduled to pick them up. She nodded and removed her hand, but only far enough to rest it at the band of his pants. “May I?”

He nodded into her neck, still trying to catch his breath and sending goosebumps across her neck. A mess of hands and limbs later and they’d managed to remove him of his pajama bottoms and his mouth was traveling from her lips down her neck, over her breasts (with special attention paid to each one) and down her abdomen before joining his hands at the waistband of her pants. Their eyes met and he didn’t need to ask the question for her to give her answer. Raising her hips just slightly, she let him pull the elastic over her waist and down her legs. It got caught somewhere around her knees and they’d had to work together to get them off, Jemma eventually sitting up and removing them herself.

And after everything they’d been through, there they were sitting facing one another with absolutely nothing between them. A sense of peace washed over her and Jemma was happy to see that Fitz had relaxed as well.

She leaned over to close the space between them, hands gripping his shoulders as his came around to support the small of her back and lay her down once more. Still wrapped up in the kiss, Jemma didn’t notice his hand until it found her slit, stroking along it’s length and gathering up the wetness that had formed there.

“Fitz.” She shuddered against his lips as his ever so intricate and talented hands explored her. Rubbing his thumb against her clit, Jemma arched up into him and Fitz chuckled slightly against her lips. He slipped one finger inside of her while suckling on the skin behind her ear. Then he added another and Jemma couldn’t hold back the moan as the feelings swept through her.

Clearly pleased by her reaction, Fitz continued to work at her, pushing her up the cliff towards ecstasy but she didn’t want to go over without him. Fumbling with the nightstand, she grabbed one of the condoms that Daisy had told her was stashed in there (jokingly at the time but now Jemma was extremely thankful), and held it out for Fitz.

“I need you now Fitz.”

He didn’t need to be told twice. Taking the condom from her he ripped it open and rolled it on. Fitz kissed her again, tracing her lips with the tip of his tongue. While he reached down to center himself, their eyes locked and he slowly pushed into her.

It was slightly uncomfortable at first but Jemma assumed that was because it had been a while and it wasn’t long until the pleasure overtook the pain. Fitz had noticed the shift in her attitude and stopped his advance, peppering her hands and fingers with kisses instead as she adjusted to him.

WIth a nod of her head and a slight thrust of her hips, Fitz was moving inside her again and it was more than everything she could’ve hoped for. Two people coming together as one had never felt like a good description of the act in her point of view. Until this moment between herself and Fitz. Maybe it just had to be the right two people in order for the saying to apply. If so she’d found her person. If not, of course she and Fitz would be compatible in everything they do. It’s so  _ Fitzsimmons _ of them.

It felt so right, every bit of him filling her completely and by before long she could feel the flame in the pit of her stomach turn to a bonfire. She knew that she was close, and she wanted to fall over the brink with him.  _ You jump, I jump right. _

“Fitz, I’m…”

“Me too.”

Fitz’s thrusts were losing their rhythm and Jemma was unable to match his movements with her own. It didn’t matter though because only a moment later Fitz was coming, and Jemma toppled over the edge with him, the feeling of his relief pushing her over the edge.

Somehow, Fitz managed to not collapse on top of her. Instead, landing on the pillow next to her when his muscles gave out from underneath him.

Jemma wanted nothing more than to lay cuddled up with him and use his warmth like a heater in the cold winter night. But they were both slick with sweat and other fluids that she knew would need to be dealt with. Both of them got up and cleaned up a bit, wiping off and gathering their pajamas from their various locations on the floor (it was too cold to sleep without them), before climbing back into bed under the covers, a tangle of limbs in an attempt to regain the warmth they’d lost.

They were comfortably situated in the middle of the bed, covers tucked in up around her neck and his shoulders, when he muttered into her hair. “You amaze me sometimes you know that right?”

She blushed and brought her head around to kiss him once more, the fiery passion of before replaced with a warmth that made her feel whole. “I love you Fitz.”

“I love you too Jemma.”

“And thank you. I needed that. To feel loved. And you were so sweet and gentle.”

“Trust me I’m not complaining.” She chuckled and smacked his chest lightly before settling down once more.

He kissed her temple and she nuzzled into his chest, a happiness that she hadn’t known in a long time seeping into her every pore, exciting and relaxing every single one of her cells at once.

They’d be alright.

~{}~

They were back at the Playground in time for Daisy’s New Years Party. Bobbi had spent the entire flight back with a smirk on her face after walking in on the two of them watching television curled up together on the couch.

_ Ten, Nine, Eight... _

From her vantage point leaning against Fitz, Jemma noticed how the various couples in the room had begun to cuddle together in preparation for the countdown to the new year.

_ Seven, Six… _

Fitz met her gaze, his hand gently squeezing hers, asking the question without needing to say it.

_ Five, Four… _

She could feel the smile spreading across her face, touched that, despite the events of the past week, he thought to ask.

_ Three, Two, One… _

Facing her best friend, Jemma brought her hands up to cup his face and pull him down slightly as she raised up on her toes just enough to meet him halfway.

“Happy new year!” The room erupted at the exact moment that their lips met. Fitz’s hands spread themselves wide across her lower back and shoulder blades, pulling her closer against him and tipping her back slightly.

“Oh my god!” Daisy’s squeal broke the moment and Jemma couldn’t help but smile at her friend as she detached herself from Fitz. As she lowered down to the ground she took note of how long he leaned his forehead against hers and kept his eyes closed, clearly trying to make the moment last and pretend that Daisy wasn't practically dancing around the room.

Jemma leaned against Fitz once more, this time wrapping her arms around his torso, as she watched Daisy’s reaction. Fitz rested his chin her head and whispered at a volume loud enough so that only she could hear. “So are you explaining it or am I?”

All Jemma could do was laugh.

No longer had the sound graced her lips when Daisy was pulling her out of his embrace and onto the couch, shooing Fitz away. It was no more than a second layer when Bobbi joined them on the couch, trapping Jemma between the pair and making any kind of escape impossible.

“Jemma tell us everything.”

Jemma hid behind the rim of her wine glass, just to tease them a bit . She knew that even though she and Fitz had prepared for this situation she wasn’t going to be able to keep anything from her super-spy friends for very long. Then instead of answering, she diverted her attention towards Fitz, who was now in the kitchen with Mack and Hunter, clearly trying to avoid similar questions by downing a beer, and she couldn’t help but giggle at his antics.

She didn’t notice the look that passed between Bobbi and Daisy, her attention focused on Fitz whose gaze had met hers from across the room. Taking another sip of wine, Jemma tried to hide the blush that she could feel starting to reveal itself on her cheeks.

“We want all the details.”

~{}~

When she fell asleep that night Fitz’s chest was pressed against her bare back, his warmth seeping into her bones and filling her with love and admiration. Jemma could tell when he drifted into the world of the unconscious, pressing a gentle kiss to the crown of her head and tightening his grip around her torso, shifting her so that she was even more enveloped in his embrace.

From this new position she could make out the pounding of his heart once more, constant and reassuring, transporting her back to that first night after returning to the base. How she’d sought out the comfort of his embrace and fallen asleep to the lullaby of his heartbeat.

Her mind drifted to the many nights over the past month where the weight of everything was too much for her to bear and his semi-conscious self would move over towards the wall and invite her in without question. 

Then she reflected on the past week at the safe house. How she’d fallen asleep on his chest and woken up feeling safe and secure. When she’d found his pulse point when she was exploring the expanse of his neck and how she’d examined his pulse when he came.

Looking forward Jemma found herself anticipating the possibility of falling asleep in his arms without any demons between them.

The trip had been a step towards that future. It wasn’t  _ their _ cottage but it had served the role well. The purpose of the trip had been fulfilled, they’d fought some battles and came out of the experience stronger than they were before -  both individually and as partners. She knew that they had a lot more work to do but in that moment, Jemma was content letting the sound of home and the dream of their own cottage in Perthshire pull her towards the unconscious.

_ Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any constructive criticism or comments would be greatly appreciated, this is the first time I've ever written smut so let me know how I did as I have an AU idea in the works that will require lots of it and I'm not sure I'm up to the task.

**Author's Note:**

> Part two coming soon (the M rating has to come from somewhere right???) ;)


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